If I had a rap album pending it would be called ‘cloudy chance of rain’.
That really implies that I don’t have a rap album pending. And honestly who knows what the future holds. Those words are like akin to my spirit animal.
I do realize I haven’t updated this blog in five weeks, which really flies in the face of my proclamations. Getting back on that horse.
Where to begin…
I’ve entered a new dimension, in my brain. Maybe this is a result of my recent Vedic meditation training (highly probable). Or that in two weeks I’ve managed to almost completely abandon a fast life principle – ie. my views on relationships. Or maybe I’ve just gotten back from traveling and so mentally I am actually still in another dimension / time-zone.
We talked about… doubt. I guess. Or this feeling of ‘what am I doing’, ‘what do I want to be doing.’ The ability or inability to focus. In my case, inability.
Even in my ‘proclamations’, I leave an edge for doubt. I think that is a partial result of swearing I would stop doing drugs for like years and years and years and then continuing to do them for over a decade. It could also be that I lived in LA for a long time… (the flakiness not the drug use). I’m weary / afraid of ever saying completely ‘I will do this’ or ‘I won’t do this.’ Because in my mind I’m like – no you won’t.
This is in addition to – nothing I’ve ever done has had a discernable goal post or expiration date. It's always been - I’ll figure it out. (Particularly when I was younger.) I don’t have to worry or push because it will just unfold on its own (my life, my career, etc). This is both wise and incredibly stupid. There is an inherent faith in it – but it should be accompanied with action.
So among my more recent realizations (and that’s saying something because the past three months I’ve felt like Harry Potter in the Hall of Prophecies): Perhaps, how I do one thing, might be how I do all things. And I’ve demonstrated over the past few years that I’m really good at all or nothing.
I’ve decided not to pursue the business of acting until I get some other things sorted. Specifically, one other thing. Keep in mind – this means for May. So not like some indefinite hazy point in the future that could turn into five years.
I think I’ve finally managed to do what I’ve not been able to do. And that’s to say: I’ll focus on just this.
Holy cow. Progress made y’all.
*Also note I said THE BUSINESS of acting.
Stay tuned. I am here.
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